confessions anonymous

I would like to share these because it has been eating me up for a while

Hello , I would like to share these because it has been eating me up for a while. Like I said I have a complected family, whether it’s my family or me that’s complicated I don’t know. I have a strange relationship with my sister and brother’s. While they seem to be free with each other, talk and laugh together, I can’t do that I always just keep quite and listen to them or thats what they make me do. Or just maybe they’re way more older than me. For example my sister has a girl my age whom we grew up together and people always say she’s my twin sister. My mother is kind of in relatable if even you mate her today you would tell she’s got a hell of an attitude but shes my mother I love her beyond words, despite that my mother’s relationship doesn’t stretch any further from greetings I tend to envy other peoples relationship with their parents how they can sit down and talk and laugh. In my life I have never really been that much engaging all I’ve always done is just travel around I doubt there is any museum in Kenya I haven’t visited. I don’t really think any one has ever understood me to date though for the fast time I feel secure because for the fast time I have met a person who cares about what I do or don’t do. At times I think am strange or I have a problem.I try to get people to listen to what I want but they all seem to be pushing me to a certain direction, and all I do is go even if they don’t make me happy I never refuse, that’s my biggest weakness I don’t know how to say no and if I do try I come out aggressive. No one ever seems to care what I feel or want. Even when I was young I could always just lock my self up and watch TV. I started interacting with people when I reached high school level and that was when I was in from four and only the deputy back then understood me. From when I was in from one my big brother whom we are also half siblings and who also happens to be a pastor started making passes on me.back then I could not tell anyone since I didn’t even know how to approach my own mother it was the hardest part of my life then being sent to a boarding school where it’s so hard to fit in.I tried to avoid my brother the best way I could but it was getting hard. School was bad enough and when other students would look forward to go home I was stuck there. And even if I was to say my brother was making passes on me my mother wouldn’t believe because he was her favorite and to top it up he was a pastor. Unfortunately for me my dad passed away when I was one. And suddenly I was left with extra money from my pocket money and the money you are sent as transport when you are about to close schools, being that I was from a school that doesn’t allow shopping and all you could bring with you was only the basics you needed. And one day I saw an opportunity to be away from home and away from my brother I took one friend of mine or the only friend I had then while in form two for a road trip to kapenguria,west pokot county. And then it became a routine when ever schools would close I would take here along for crazy road trips and she never knew why for her it was adventure but for me it was a chance to be away from home and little other students started joining in. But suddenly four years were over so quickly that meant I had to pack and go back home after my KCSE . And it was hard for me because my brother was everywhere I used to lock all the doors when I was alone at home and my mum would joke I lock myself up in dark rooms since I was born at midnight.

And it so happens that I got invited out by a friend to a near by town to go clubbing at night. Since there was a function and the club was crowded and I was not used to crowded and locked up areas I was running out of breath people were crowded out and I heard a commotion in a dark corner not far from the club and out of curiosity my legs carried me there and I couldn’t believed my eye my brother had stubbed a lady. I even thought I was dreaming and I turned to head back to the club just at the door a fight had broken out and my friend who had brought me with him was looking for me just near the door I didn’t even have the courage to speak so he thought I was going down with panic attack (since two years before when I was back in school I was diagnosed with it and was prescribed some sleeping sedatives and ant depressants which I nearly got addicted to and couldn’t sleep without them) so he took me back home. The following day I still thought I was dreaming until my brother walked up to me and threatened me… And that is how I packed a few of my clothes and left home. After which I tried to reach my mother and explain things to her but she never listened. But after a while another of my sister left home and she had a little baby with her maybe these is what made my mother realise what was really happening. And over the time I’ve been changing numbers because he had been trying to reach me and finally my mother warned him and things seemed to cool down. But he has called me again and am afraid I don’t know what to do any more and haven’t slept for the last three days I feel sick there is so much pressure and I don’t even think I can open up to any one since the two people I could talk to also have problems of their own and I don’t want to add to it…Please share anonymously

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